Lonely

              Valentine's day is tomorrow, and I have to admit it's a holiday of which I've never been fond. I'm sure there is many a woman, single or taken, who can agree. It's not that I don't think the idea behind it is great, but it's the commercialism I detest. That, and the fact that since I was a teenager I have always preferred to call it National Single's Awareness Day. Can we momentarily point out the fact that that acronym is NSAD? As in, S-A-D? The other thing I detest, besides Valentine's day, is the conception that being single means you're entirely alone, mopey, and sad. ¨Single and sad-ulous,¨ is what my parents like to say as a joke instead of ¨single and fabulous.¨

               What is it about our culture that glorifies the heterosexual couple and sees it as the be-all-end-all to happiness? Any one with half a brain knows that sometimes, being in a couple can lead to making you ANYTHING but happy. It's no guarantee of bliss. Relationships, especially good ones, are a lot of work. Coupledom does not forcément = happiness.

              But alas. I have always managed to find a way to become single before, or right before, Valentine's Day, and have never spent it with a significant other. One day my day will come and then I'll join the ranks of happy couples living in apparent, glorious happiness and hand-feeding each other chocolates over candlelit tables with huge vases of two dozens roses...

               Puke.

              I'm a romantic for sure, but even that is vomit worthy. I prefer the type of everyday thoughtfulness that steadily feeds relationships, stickie notes left on mirrors, small gestures. And one day I suppose someone will want to keep me around and give that back to me too.

              I've yet to find them.

*  *  * 

              On Tuesday afternoon, I was on campus for a seminar at 17h. I was sitting in the hallway reading Plato when I got a text message from the Rocket Scientist. He was sorry, but he'd have to hang out another time, he had some urgent experiments to press onward and he would be in his lab all night. 

               I didn't even know we were supposed to hang out on Tuesday? 

              Sigh. 

*  *  * 

               Instead, I went, as I had planned, to E's place. He'd had a soirée on Saturday night that I had to miss because I was Disneylanding it up with the girl kiddos. I am tired of my life not being my own and not being able to participate in things I really, really want to. With this nanny gig coming to a rapid close ( just about three months left, hallelujah! going to crack open so many bottles of champagne at the end!) I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I am SO DAMN excited about the things I'll be able to do. I was sharing this with E Tuesday night: 

                 ¨Oh lord, I can go to my first Bastille Day in Paris EVER!¨ He laughed out loud at my enthusiasm. ¨And I can go to the Journées du Patrimoine in September!¨ In two years, I'd never been able to go; I always had to work those weekends. ¨ And I can travel!¨ I chuckled. ¨And I can train for marathons again!¨

                  I was so excited I couldn't shut up. At that point, we were eating the  leftover curry he had made for his soirée and for which he had expressly invited me over to try. I received a call on Sunday night to come and eat it with him, but I wasn't able to make it before Tuesday.

                  ¨ And you'll be able to salsa again with me and then'll you'll be so good at it you can give classes and get a job in France that way,¨ he laughed. He was serious about the salsa'ing but not the job. 

                  Gulp. Last time I salsa'd with E was last may when we were ( sort of, if you want to call it that ) seeing one another. He's adamant about starting up salsa with me again now that he's done all his PT for the major knee injury he had this summer.

                   Sigh. 

                   It's at moments like these that I can feel myself weakening, especially with Valentine's day drawing nearer, and even more missing FWB. In that moment, in his living room, on his nice black leather couch, and staring into the light in his light brown eyes, I had a moment where I just wanted to hug and hold E. Not because I feel anything for him romantically, but because I am lonely. Because I just want someone to share this crazy life with, to laugh with, and because I know I am trying to fill a void in the space that the FWB left.

*  *  * 

                    E and FWB are two very different people. I find it amazingly crazy that I could have been interested in such different people. Quite honestly, it makes me question what I want and need out of someone. Call these test runs I suppose.

                    E is funny and witty as all hell. He's a smart as a whip smart-ass engineer whose teasing will give you a run for your money, the very kind of intellectual sparring partner that I thrive on. He can dish it and I can dish it right back. He's worldly, well traveled, and curious about everything. To boot, he's got an artistic side...he is a beautiful photographer, and gave up drawing long ago...though he was rather talented I must say.  But then there is something very somber about him. An inner silence and calm, a seriousness and sternness. A bit of a coldness, a bit of analytical distance.  He is, above all, on equal footing with me mentally. Our minds both move at a hundred miles a minute and I have, and still appreciate that, about him.

                   FWB is funny, but in a very warm, charismatic sort of way. He's intelligent but not in the way that E is. He is not your ¨lock it down, in the library, gotta study¨ sort of smart; he is people smart and wine smart and street smart. He's athletic, a rock climber, with a penchant for adventure, also well traveled. But he can't play with me on my mental level, he's not as much of an intellectual. I liked this about him because it released me from being too trapped in my own Ivory Tower, I appreciated his joie de vivre and his warmth and his continual happiness. His fierce love and pride in his region. His ambition and his dreams. His extroversion.

                   So which of those two, if either, was the better ( temporary ) fit? And what do I need in someone else that pulls from their positive character traits?

*  *  * 

                      I know all too well the intense shockwaves of being fed up with singledom. I have not been ¨coupled¨ for more than a few weeks at a time since I was 17. In many respects, this has been good for me: through college I never got tangled up in a serious, intense, consuming relationship before I was ready, I was able to figure out very well who I am and what I want in someone, and I evolved as my own person. In other ways, it has been psychologically brutal: what is wrong with me? why doesn't anyone want to keep me? what am i doing wrong?

                      The problem now is this: there is nothing ¨wrong¨ with me per se.  I know what I want and am coming to understand, more each day, not just what I want but what I deserve, and I will not settle for less. Sometimes the price to pay for that is singledom. But I also believe it is better to have none than to have the wrong one, so I'll deal. This feeling of being alone is just that--a feeling. 

                    I understand that I am not alone stricto sensu. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life that I love and who love me back. And I'm a fiercely independent young woman, but doesn't mean I do not have intense moments of loneliness, and this one hit good and hard.

                    Even though I am not dating E, there is something about being around him that makes me feel a little bit less alone and more alone at the same time. Less alone because I know that spending time with him and talking and laughing does me good: last night we laughed over how much I epically FAILED at Wii Fit balance games and how much he kicked my ass at them last night in his living room. But then sometimes I feel more alone after leaving his place, because I want the friendship I have with him with another guy PLUS the romantic component.

                   For now I'll regroup and let my moment of weakness pass.

                   One day I suppose I'll find what I'm looking for.

                  For now, I'll be single and fabulous.