Fools Rush In

            Spring has ( not ) sprung. Paris was blanketed yesterday under a sheet of grey clouds that dropped, at one point in the afternoon, while I was working in the 8th, small snow flakes from the sky. This is tourist season? It is freakishly cold.

           Yesteryday, despite this cold, I braved the Trocadéro in the early evening. I had Berkeley friends, older alumni I know, in town, and was meeting them for wandering and dinner, with a rendez-vous at the vista point. They had also said we should talk about my latest postings involving FWB ( they are readers and know who they are, hello!), so I was interested to hear what they had to say.

            Dinner was at a delicious place in the 6th on rue de Seine, a restaurant run by the folks at Cosi, named Semilla. Heaven on a plate, in a nutshell. We got to talking, laughing, and generally having a good time, and then these folks told it like it is. I like it when people tell it like it is. Life is too short to skirt around the bush, to not say what you think and how you feel. I appreciate them for their insight and their honesty. Their basic gist was this: that I had really come on strong with the FWB and that I had probably scared him off, once in November after my first weekend there, and another in January.


              In retrospect, I can't say they're entirely wrong. 

              Fools rush in.

*  *   * 

           In The Great Gatsby, Daisy exclaims about her daughter that ¨I hope she’ll be a fool

that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.¨

                     I don't want to be a little fool. But it is true that I probably was one. I know about myself that I am intense, unbridled, passionate about everything I invest in, or that I chose to invest in, whether it be a project or a marathon or a love interest. 

                     And my intensity scares people. 

                     I seem to have the opposite problem of most people my age, which is not that I am afraid of commitment ( and not just in the romantic context, but with even opportunites or getting a job done...). If I chose to take something on or commit myself to something, I will see it through, one hundred and fifty percent. I am not a flaker and I do not pose les lapins. Loyal beyond loyal. 

                      In the romantic realm, this translates to hyper fixation and hyper fidelity. I wouldn't dare look at another person if I'm seeing someone. And it is true that I was a fool. 

                       In retrospect, maybe this whole FWB blowing up was my fault. 

                       Or at least a large portion of it. 

                      Now I am thinking about how I was maybe too glued to him, maybe shouldn't have sent a thank you card after the time I spent in the South, maybe it was too much. Maybe I shouldn't have told him I was willing to make it work because I thought we were worth it, though that was sincere. I don't believe in not saying how you feel, life is too short, you never know what will happen. Maybe it was too early to say that to him when he wanted to cut the cord and let me loose. 

                      Maybe I shouldn't even have responded to his email this past week about his job.  It reminded me about how when I ignored him for a few weeks last summer, when he invited me down South the first time, he tried calling me nonstop and emailing. Maybe I need to play it cool, keep my reserve, not tell people how I feel in this crazy game we all call dating. I am not so sure anymore. 

                      All I know is that what happened is what happened and I deleted his email and am not going to contact him anymore. 

                      Fools rush in.