Boy broke your heart?
Go work two jobs. Add a trial period at a possible third and a Masters degree.
Distract yourself.
Forget.
OK.
And go.
There is a weakness to this equation: the distraction method works if and only IF said cause of heart ache leaves you be, drops off the face of the planet, and you don't ever hear from him again. Then, the distract-and-forget method works quite, quite well.
It was working VERY WELL for me. I was forgetting quite nicely, with the exception of occasionally passages by wine shops that reminded me of the FWB, or of my random random streak of missing him.
I had even gotten to the angry stage.
The ¨why the EFF did you do THAT?¨ stage where I convinced myself of his selfishness and his immaturity. The part where I figured he needs a lot more time than I thought to grow up and I need a grown up and not a capricious boy. The part where I swallowed the pride pill and said to myself that he just wasn't that into me because if he had been he would have made it work. The bitter, bitter bitter angry part of me that was upset for feeling used and then so hurt by him going RADIO SILENT after my birthday.
And then the part where I was starting to tell myself to forget and move on, because he is clearly not worth my time and he isn't even going to contact me again anyway. The part where I can, with some difficulty, acknowledge that I deserve better and am worth more.
That's where I was until Tuesday.
* * *
I am fighting internally not to me prendre la tête, which literally means to give myself a headache, but more closely means not to get worked up over this. In the grand scope of things, it is probably very small and stupid and insignificant. And I'm spending way too much time dwelling on it.
I can't help but get upset by him emailing me randomly though, most because I don't know what he wants from me.
You don't just send cut and dry emails out of the blue after two months of radio silence without some sort of agenda behind it. The basic gist is this: ¨I am emailing you because I want you to know I have a job and it is in France and therefore I am not leaving the country.¨
But why does that matter? Why does that matter anymore? Why does it matter when you told me that you couldn't juggle the distance and job search and me? Why do you think I would care?
Why does it matter when I put myself out on a limb for you and took the risk of telling you I wanted to make it work because I thought you were worth it and what we had is not something easy to find? And then you basically threw that back in my face and broke my heart?
Do you think I am ever going to trust you again and believe you ever could and ever would want to do distance again?
I am in the middle de me prendre la tête.
This is what happens when you can forget what someone said, and what someone did, but you realize you can't forget the way they made you feel.
This is what happens when you can forget what someone said, and what someone did, but you realize you can't forget the way they made you feel.
Make it stop.
* * *
I responded to the FWB and told him I was very happy for him. And then, very dryly, the same way he told me in January, I added: ¨Bonne continuation.¨
Because I don't know if I will ever see you again.
I have three jobs for another week and a half.
Hopefully I will be distracted enough.
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