I cooped up in my studio all day working on a presentation for a theatre seminar and then had class from 5 to 7:30 tonight. When I walked out and finally checked my phone, I had a text from E asking if I wanted to go see a movie tonight with him. I see him maybe once a week now, strictly platonically, as I have lost any and all sense of regret about what happened between us. Last Wednesday night we could be found on the boulevard Montparnasse at L'Atélier getting a drink when he brought up the subject of Le Coup de Coeur, the woman for whom, as he declared to me in September, he had stronger feelings. This doesn't bother me, as I've become accustomed to it. What did surprise me though was the fact that he told me he had seen her again, but now had almost no feelings for her.
¨I don't know if I can fall in love with her again, and I don't want to make her leave the guy
she's with when I'm not sure I can get back to where I was with her.¨
How. Effing. Stereotypical.
He explained that he'd been so turned upside down by the craziness of his last Ex, the batshit insane one, that he felt incapable of having romantic feelings again for Le Coup de Coeur.
Why do I care. Why am I listening to this?
It started pouring out and then we finished our drinks and went back to his place and made pasta. I was helping him sort through photos for an international competition in which he was determined to participate and he had to slim down his selection from 400 to 10 photos. After eating I was in food coma in his office and falling asleep on the spare bed when he brought up the subject of Le Coup de Coeur again. About how he isn't sure about feeling anything for her, about how he is numb to her now. I jokingly told him I had a crisis in May too where I was over dating and venting one night with my Diplomat about how I was OVER guys.
¨And that's why you ended up dating me a month later, right?¨
Sometimes he says things about how we dated, or about how we were together, that make it seem like he now regrets his decision to end ¨us.¨ I do not want him to regret that decision, because I don't regret it myself. I do not bring up the fact we dated for a short period of time, never have after it happened. I haven't needed to because it's over and after all I have been through with him listening to his horror story of a Batshit Insane Ex these past few months, I have no desire to ever date him again.
So I changed the subject to school and job hunt for me. About how I do not want to spend the greater part of my young life missing out on it, the way E has...the man is a beyond brilliant engineer but all he did is work in his twenties. And tell women like me, like the way the FWB did, that this ¨point in his life was not suitable for a relationship.¨ So what did those women do? They moved on with their lives and found other great guys.
Needless to say, at 36, unmarried, and not seeing anyone, E seems to be regretting some of his decisions now, especially the ones about telling a woman or two he couldn't start anything because the ¨timing¨ wasn't right.
* * *
Somebody answer me this: what is it with guys and timing? Is it a valid excuse or is it a lame way of letting a girl down? I'm leaning towards lame excuse, mostly because I feel like if he's really into you, he'll make it work. Hell, I know I'm the same way. If I am into a guy enough, I'll do whatever I have to to make it work.
I guess I am sad because I was at that point and FWB wasn't. I read him wrong and he just wasn't as interested as I thought he was. Is my assessment totally off? I don't know.
I just hope he doesn't turn out like E, work his ass off his entire 20s to build his import-expert business, and miss out on other things in life. Work, as I have learned and am beginning to see, isn't everything.
* * *
The truth is also that Monsieur Lawyer just wasn't that into me. Two weeks ago he wanted to see me and I confirmed with him that Wednesday morning, but I didn't even get a text message yes or no. Nothing. Nada. Not even an apology text for forgetting the next morning.
Once I was in Avignon, he texted and told me to update him about how my weekend was going. I didn't respond. I was pissed. I was already uneasy with him and here he was not making much of an effort. Call me a judgmental, overbearing, not-taking-into-account-something-might-have-happened beezy, but like I said, I was over it.
I didn't respond.
He tried chatting on Facebook.
Yeah bucko, wonder how many other girls you're chatting with on Facebook.
Yep, I was being stupid and probably very immature by not responding. He text messaged me two days later with: ¨My beautiful American, I'm beginning to get desperate because you're not responding.¨
I did not respond. Instead, I unfriended him on Facebook.
Sorry bud. I'm not impressed. Not after the weekend I had in Provence. And I'm just not that into you anymore.
If guys can pull that crap, so can women.
* * *
As of right now, I don't know what will come of the FWB. I don't even know anymore if he was ever that into me in the first place. I am in a place of doubt.
So here I am, in my little Paris studio, thrown from the horse, with no desire in the immediate future to get back on it. I'm a little tired of dating, a little tired of this non-committal wishy washy I can't make up my mind bullshit, and disappointed that I finally felt like I had a good one then BAM. BFF, when are we buying the beach mansion and the cats? Don't forget the fully stocked bar.
To all the other men out there, here's what I say: I'm not impressed, and I'm just not that into you.
You had better step up your game.
I'm trying not to make this seems like a blanket statement, but in my experience, guys are more likely to think that they need to be in a certain place financially, career wise, experience wise, etc before they get too romantically involved whereas women seem to be more likely to want to put romance first, thinking that you can always do those things later but you may miss out on love. Again, I really don't want to generalize because I have guy and girl friends who are the opposites of those descriptions.
ReplyDeleteIt's really hard to tell what it is with FWB. I've spent too many nights trying to figure out if it's better to let them go and have them come back vs. figuring that they're just not that into you and the best advice I can give is that each situation is different and you have to with your heart. However, if you go that route you also have to be prepared for your heart to be wrong because your heart isn't logical and doesn't always make the best decisions.
The other thing that you should keep in mind, is that I'm not really sure if one point of view or the other is the best. I honestly think that if you really love someone, you should hold onto them. However, I know that the experience of losing it has been a big growing experience and I've had a lot of time to really grow into the person that I want to be instead of being shaped by someone else because I got into a serious relationship before I was done figuring out who I was.
Just my 2 cents (or more..)
Thanks Nikki :) I chatted tonight with a good American friend here who's been with her Frenchie for four years now and she pointed out some cultural differences that were relevant, which is that the whole ¨well, that's life...too bad. peace¨ thing is really typical of french men. She and her Frenchie did distance for a long time right after they met because they spent the summer together but then she was back to Boston to finish her Masters. He was like ¨well, timing sucks, c'est la vie, peace,¨so she had to call ¨bullshit¨on his ¨meh, c'est la vie¨ attitude because he was just as intimidated.
ReplyDeleteShe pointed out that American women come from a culture of ¨yeah! you can do anything!¨ whereas French guys come from a super authoritative culture of ¨NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!¨ that is engrained in them since a young age...
so maybe i just need to call him on his excuses bullshit.
i don't know yet if i'm brave enough. we'll see.
thank you for your two cents quand même :)
Yea, let me know if you want to chat further. I can tell you more of what I went through if it helps but I just don't want to broadcast it on here.
ReplyDeletesure thing! e-mail or skype or what do you prefer? i'm hitting the hay soon since its after midnight here but if you prefer skype i'm free tomorrow night...add nine hours to whatever time you'd be free and i'll make it work.
Deletexoxox.
Let me send you an email when I have some time. I don't think Skype will work since I'm at work when you're awake.
Delete