On Friday afternoon I left my studio full of Poilâne and a note for FWB. It is near inhumane, dare I say cruel and unusual punishment, that my job requires me to basically live in Fontainebleau on weekends. My burn-out is seeping into all realms of my life and my motivation is dropping faster than snow in Siberia.
Unfortunately, being out here in Fontainebleau leaves me too much time to live in my head between the hours of endless boredom I suffer and so I do my brain whirling, meaning I get into over-analytical girl mode and start analyzing everything. And there comes a point when I move past the blissful excitement of seeing someone and start panicking about just what the hell we are.
Maybe it's a remnant of my dating past, because for a very long time I did not dare to ask what I was to someone else for fear of upsetting them, or for fear of rocking the boat, or of losing them. For fear of coming off too clingy, or too needy, which is definitely not my modus operandi, but a fear ingrained into my mind. I suppose the key word here is f-e-a-r.
I am downright terrified that maybe I feel more strongly than my FWB does. I have gone to the illogical-i-am-unglued-and-feel-like-a-vulnerable-insane-person-dark side and started telling myself that maybe he is just like all these other twenty something young men who just want to come and go as they please and enjoy women and don't give a damn, my biggest fear is that secretly deep down he is going to turn out like all the others and just drop me like a hot tamale. That this is too good to be true. And my only way of assuaging this fear Friday night was to Whatsapp message all my girlfriends in the states.
I told my BFF about it all and she urged me to talk to FWB.
I chatted with a good friend in Texas and she said the same thing. She told me to consider that maybe FWB too is just as afraid and doesn't know how to bring it up with me, this squirrelly ¨what are we?¨ question.
My college roommate said not to panic and just to take it easy. Another good friend from college said the same, to see where it goes with time.
BAH mais goddammit that is not me because I am someone who needs ANSWERS and cannot handle indecision. Indecision will be the very death of me, it has driven me to the brink before...BUT at the same time, what if he says no? What if he does not want to be with me? What if he too is scared about my ability to stay in this country if he stays? But he wants to go to my country...this is one hot mess.
On top of that, I am dealing with my own serious anxiety: PhD or no PhD? (That one's solved. On temporary hold for now. Or possibly permanent. I don't know yet). Ok, if no PhD, what next? Interpreter school? Job? If a job, what kind of job? And where? France or America? Oh no offense America I have nothing against you it's just that I love France more. Well then fuck, how am I going to get a visa to stay? I'll need to have a sponsored work visa. SHIT easier said than done. And editorial or communications work, what will I do? Dammit my whole CV is academic...oy. Then add the boy on top of all that. But I don't want to lose the boy! *Face palm*
Somebody hit the panic button, please?
Oh, what useless, useless teetering between indecision and fear of knowing what he wants.
My gosh what I would not give to have a crystal ball to figure out how all this turns out, because I'm suffocating in these fifty shades of gray, these neither blacks nor whites, but the complicated ins and outs of this story. And unlike the fiction I write in my spare time or the stories I study at school, I cannot predict or craft the ending of this one. Writing is simply the only way I know how to wrangle with what I feel, and has been since I was very young.
I can say this with honesty, however: the truth of this story right now is that every one else has become irrelevant. I have said it before, I'll say it again: I only want this one.
And that is a scary, scary, non-gray place to be.
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