One evening at Café Mabillon in the Saint-Germain dès Pres district of Paris, I was drowning the sorrows with my adopted overseas expat uncle, The Diplomat. I was venting my frustration about yet another failed attempt with a French love interest and after a few expertly mixed absinthe and grape juice cocktails, was just buzzed enough to start my ranting.
¨Like REALLY, when the HELL do they grow up!?¨ I vituperated.
¨Who?¨ the Diplomat asked.
¨Boys! When the HELL do they just finally GROW UP!? I'm tired of boys. I want a man.¨
What girl hasn't been through this? What girl hasn't thought she's finally found a man and not a boy parading around as a man?
The Diplomat paused to think for a second, looked back at me, and offered this response:
¨Well...I'd say 25. But if he's not a man by 25, then the time curve for him to become one is going to be exponentially longer.¨
Ever since The Diplomat repatriated to America, I have kept this in mind. Alright, I thought. I am finally hitting the age where the guys MY OWN AGE should no longer be boys. Admittedly, I don't tolerate immaturity well. I generally tend to date older, because older guys tend to be men and not boys.
The Diplomat's hypothesis in mind, I've been out to test it. Here are some results and findings:
By and large, I find that guys my own age are squirrelly, inconstant, and indecisive. For instance, take Monsieur Engineer, with whom I had a few great dates. I thought we could've gone somewhere. We hit it off. I really liked him. But I was hesitant: he is also, like me, 24. But Golden Rule of Lindsay Dating No. 1: express your interest but leave, ABSOLUTELY LEAVE, the ball in his court afterwards. It is beyond telling what he does, so let him sit back and DO, or in some cases, NOT DO. Monsieur Engineer completely dropped me and went off the radar until last night when he sent me this text message:
¨Hey!! What's up? Are you really busy? You haven't updated me at all! Not too hard school and work? Bisous LYNDSAY.¨
1) I'm sorry. I'm an English and French literature girl. I value grammar and spelling and you have known my name, and seen it many times, in text messages and emails. IT IS L-I-N-D-S-A-Y. Blame it on the French alphabet (the French Y is pronounced like an English I when it is followed by a N). Blame it on him being an Engineer. Blame it on me being a stringent spelling biotch. I'm sorry. I was not impressed.
2) Last time you texted me like a week ago, I had responded with ¨I thought you didn't want to see me anymore because I hadn't heard from you in so long.¨
3) I haven't felt the need to update you because the amount of effort you put in to our whatever-you-want-to-call-this is the amount of effort I put out.
Needless to say, I'm beginning to think Monsieur Engineer is just another twenty something year old male on the borderline between boy and man. I was at coffee this afternoon with another expat running friend and we were discussing. Miss Tortillas (you know who you are, hello!) is of Mexican and German heritage and involved with a Spaniard here and was sharing her own ¨overgrown boy¨ horror stories, particularly one involving her best friend and the cousin of her current boyfriend. The cousin in question is well over 25 and unfortunately, played the ¨je t'aime...moi non plus¨ game with Miss Tortillas' best friend. It ended poorly. He has a lot of growing up to do.
E is another example, and he is what my own mother is dubbing a ¨Peter Pan¨: it seems he doesn't want to grow up. He is so entrenched in his Ex and the drama that she entails that he can't see the forest for the trees. He's off in Birma for another two weeks and I'm sure still worried about her and her insane Twitter antics...granted she is younger than he is. I don't know her. All I can tell you is she brings out this insanely immature side of him.
All E does is whine about how he was with her for four years when he broke up with her after two years and got back together. Where is the adult that steps up and claims responsibility for his decisions and takes control of his choices? Um, no idea. Because I'm sorry, she took advantage of him, but he let her. He didn't have to get back with her, even if he felt compelled by his compassion or pity or whatever. He didn't have to ¨sacrifice¨ as much as he did for her. He had the choice and he needs to stop playing the martyr card. Boys blame others. Men are accountable for their mistakes and take ownership of them.
Why do men get stuck in this place? What is it that keeps them forever Peter Pans, or what is it that sets them free to grow up into amazing and fabulous gentlemen? The hard part of dating though ladies, that I think we can all agree upon, is this: sometimes you just don't know if you're dating a man or a Peter Pan until you're a ways in. The Peter Pan can present well and fool you with his boyish charm, but sooner or later he'll be off and up in the air. And the harder part is this: age is not necessarily an indicator of Peter Pan status. For the most part, I think The Diplomat is right about 25 being a good indicator, but I'll consider it more a rule of thumb than a hard and fast line of thinking.
On a brighter note, Monsieur Lawyer is only a year older than me. He's 25 and an only child, but in many ways, he is much more advanced and evolved than many of the guys I have dated. Only time will tell me if he is a man or a Peter Pan.
Let's hope that tonight he FINALLY kisses me and doesn't take off flying in green tights....
sooo? peter pan or grown up????
ReplyDeletePeter Pan. See next post.
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