Being Enough

          Monsieur Lawyer texted this morning to know what time he could see me tonight. I told him désolée, I have a diner tonight with a girlfriend at 18h30, when she gets off work, which is nothing but the truth. He then asked "du coup" when we would see each other again.

           I wanted to go into fit of rage. 

           Uh, when pigs fly? 
           When you can pull your head our of your own rear end?
           When you decide I am enough and stop seeing other people? 
          
           Instead, I sent the loaded text message I've been holding back in my brain all weekend, you know, the one about him messaging other girls on Facebook. It goes a little something like this:

            "Monsieur Valmont [allusion to Laclos' Liaisons dangereuses, which ironically, is a book we both love and discuss and have teased each other about for a while now], quand tu te souviendras de te déconnecter de ton FB apres avoir utilise mon ordi pour pas que je voie tes messages aux autres filles ravissantes dont tu languis de revoir [ haha. ohhhh i have been on the receiving end of THAT PHRASE]. Ca complique bien tes dimanches, non? Bonne journée." 
 
            His response?

           "You must have well seen then that I didn't see anyone else last night or the night before."
           Me: "I'm simply telling you that I don't support indecision very well. If you're indecisive, I'm not the one for you. That's all."
           Him: " You put pressure on me from the start?"
           Me: " No. I just prefer to tell you honestly that I have already been through enough caprice and I don't tolerate very well being someone's 2nd, 3rd, or 4th choice. I've already had enough of that. It's to protect myself and I'm telling you that very sincerely."

             This is my way of putting the breaks on whatever-you-want-to-call this before I get more attached and hence, more hurt. This is my way of withdrawing from the situation so he cannot hurt me. I need to protect myself too.

              My generation seems to think that it's a better idea to float around and multidate and sleep around instead of being with someone, perhaps because if one remains unattached, one certainly cannot get hurt, right? It's a lie. We attach anyway, despite not trying to. And then we pretend like we haven't attached, or we finally admit we have and deal with the complicated fall out afterward.

              I'm not against multidating, but there comes a time when you have to decide (or should in my opinion) to just see one person. Maybe the problem here is that I've gotten to that point and he hasnt. Am I wrong to expect him to decide or not decide to see one another exclusively? I was seeing other people too. I was dating around when I first met him. I didn't originally think I was going to keep seeing him. But then I did. And it's been about a month and a half. In some ways, I feel like that is ample time to figure out if I'm worth seeing exclusively. Am I wrong in thinking that? am I crazy?

            What it all really comes down to for me is this: am I enough? Am I enough for someone? Am I worth comitting to? I suppose this is why I am so upset and so angry and jarred right now. I have the distinct impression that I am not enough right now. And that is what hurts the most.

             These are the moments where I want to curl up into a corner and cry my heart out because for so long I have felt like I am not enough. I have not been enough for someone to decide that I should be their FIRST, not second, not third, not fourth, choice.

             The root of this feeling of not being "enough" goes much, much deeper than Monsieur Lawyer, or even dating...I guess you could say the core root of it goes to my own personality and my perfectionnism: to be enough, I have to be perfect. And my perfectionnism surely will kill me one of these days. It also goes back to my own childhood and my own relationship with my father, but that's a touchy subject for me and one I will not adress here.
         
              It's been a few hours and he has still not responded. Part of me wants to text and apologize for looking at his messages, but that would be to admit in some respect that I am wrong. Maybe I am. I shouldn't have looked at his Facebook. I rather regret it a bit now. But I'd rather know than not know that I am one of four women. It will quite possibly spare me some deeper heartache.

            Monsieur Lawyer, am I enough for you? Am I smart enough, athletic enough, cultured enough, pretty enough, classy enough? Am I funny enough?  Sexy enough?

             Today I put my foot down and say to myself that I am enough and if I am not enough for you, you are certainly not enough for me.