We are all atoms in a large floating batch of particles seemingly bumping into one another at random; without direction, haphazardly. And the crazy thing is that sometimes, we try to make it work, we try to make ourselves stick to another atom. We think we understand the laws of physics and how to affect certain actions and reactions, but do we really?
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I do not have any scientific theories about how people run into each other and meet, but it seems more and more like a random roll of the dice or the roulette wheel. R and I were discussing our theory of ¨atoms¨ through my tears Monday night, but the subject came up again when I had to pay a visit to my landlord at his little aviation antiques shop around the corner from my studio.
Monsieur F is easily in his sixties, possesses a snow capped head of white hair, but has a jovial yet un-frivolous manner. His kind eyes sit above an even kinder smile. I had stopped in to give him a letter that had come in my mailbox (I don't know why, but certain governmental letters from the Republic known as France for him come to my box) and a check I owed him for the electricity bill. I was discussing my attempt to stay here and acquire dual nationality after schooling, or even perhaps to continue schooling to become an interpreter, when he jokingly suggested I find a Frenchman. I half-jokingly told him I had tried, and gave him a quick run-down of the situation. I told him I couldn't discern if this was how twenty somethings reacted in general or if these was particularly French of my FWB.
Monsieur F replied that excuses are just that: excuses. ¨ I was 22 and dating my wife when I was slated to leave to North Africa for two years for military service. The timing was horrible,¨ he explained. ¨ I had never planned on getting married young, but we essentially married for papers so she could come visit me. We've been together for forty years now.¨
After hearing me talk a little bit more about FWB, he offered this bit of wisdom: that FWB just simply was not mature enough yet and that, mark his word, sooner or later, when he is finally mûr, he'll figure out what an idiot he'd been and come around.
Whether this is true or not I do not care. What I do find funny is that he added this afterwards:
¨ How you meet people is so funny,¨ he laughed. ¨You could, for all you know, meet the love of your life tomorrow if he sets down his shopping cart next to yours in the grocery store line.¨
Like atoms randomly colliding, with no pattern or predictability of any sort.
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Sometimes it is hard for me to believe there is no underlying cosmic pattern or force at work, especially as someone who tends to believe there is a reason for everything. Perhaps it is just a coping mechanism of mine that gives me comfort when things happen to me that I can bear in no other way than closing my eyes and saying to myself that one day I will understand.My grip on the believe that things happen for a reason is slowly loosening.
Monsieur F is absolutely right concerning mutual timing in relationships. I couldn't help but notice, in your recent deception, that your eagerness to cross the "love for eternity" line was truly going at a bargain basement price. Where are YOUR demands for excellence and mutual empowering ? All I saw was a woman receding almost to oblivion in order to please her man. Lindsay, you can do much better then that !
ReplyDeleteHi Frank,
ReplyDeleteI agree with the timing being mutual, but I wouldn't say that I was giving myself away at bargain basement price; it admit that is the way it might have come across in my writing. It wasn't so much that my standards are low and that I was deliberating trying to run myself into oblivion as it was that I was willing to take the risk and see where this could possibly go, because I believed (and to an extent still believe, for reasons untangible) that what I had with FWB is rare and worth it. I am of the opinion that when you really want to make something work, you do. No matter what the situation. I was clear about this when I told FWB where I stood and I figured that this was how he felt too, that we were both willing to run the risk, despite the circumstances, to see where what we have could go.
I am brave enough to run that risk. I finally have my answer and I finally know: he is not. I did what I could and while I am hurt by the rejection, I won't be waiting around trying to figure out where he stands anymore. Lesson learned: I am worth whatever price I decide I am worth and I am given that I figured out recently that I am worth a whole lot more than I have previously thought, I can command what I deserve. And any guy who is worth me will understand that too and not be afraid of it.
FWB's loss.