Over It

                Ok, this is going to be a bitchy vent post. You have all been forewarned. Should you chose to exit the premises right now, I won't be offended, but I need to get it out of my system now before I take it with me on the train down to Provence.

                I'm officially over this Lawyer.

                I saw him last a week and a half a go. He texted me last Friday, then took off for Normandy for the weekend. I didn't hear from him for four days. I stick to my guns when I say I do my part and then let a guy chose or not chose to get in touch with me. Again, as I have said a million times before, how he goes about things is very, very, very telling about how interested he is. Takes some restraint, but in my opinion, worth it nonetheless.

                Lawyer boy texts me Tuesday in the afternoon to see how I am. Fina-effing-ly after me being THISCLOSE to just not getting back in touch with him at all and letting it slide. He asks what I'm doing this week and, as per usual, asks ¨on se voit quand?¨

                Can I get a reign check here for a moment: I absolutely hate that question. ¨On se voit quand¨?  Can you please do something a bit more...I don't know...elegant? Maybe in French it is. I don't know. I don't need something as flowery and formal as ¨when might I have the pleasure of seeing you again?¨ because that just reeks of stick-up-the-ass, but I'd prefer something like ¨when can I see you?¨

                To be brutally honest, I also hate this question because in-the-messages-I-wasn't-supposed-to-see (yep, we've gone Harry Potter here, it's like he-who-must-not-be-named ), he used this question for all the other girls. I know I pay five bajillion times more attention to language and its use and its meaning than your normal human being because hey, it's what I've trained to do for oh...I'd wager half my life thus far and in two languages to boot. But I hate it because it's a leveler: I am, if he is still seeing them....even after saying it was just me, just like all the other girls. And even if I am, it's the last thing I want to feel.

                Most girls want one thing, and that is to temporarily suspend the belief that we are just like all ¨the others¨. We may be, we may not be, but it seems that we all want that one guy who makes us feel and makes us believe that we aren't, if it is just an illusion. One we buy into happily.

                After he asked me ¨On se voit quand?¨ I asked him what his schedule was like. He said he didn't know yet, it wasn't quite fixed. Always, always, always this sort of fluidity...like a bar of soap slipping through my fingers. He asked when I was free. I announced that I was free up until Thursday afternoon, when I would be leaving for Provence to see friends (ok. yes. I'm a horrible person. It's a white lie.)

                ¨Ok, Wednesday night then?¨

                ¨Ok. As long as I don't have to babysit.¨

               I then texted him Wednesday morning. No response.  I got off work. Nothing. I stuck to my guns. I am not going to chase you or hunt you. If you want me, you come after me.

                9 pm. Still nothing. Not even a text message.

                At 10:45 pm, I curled up into my bed, thinking maybe there was something unexpected or an emergency that came up and he'd text me an apology. I fell asleep.

                This morning, on my Blackberry, I had messages. My heart leapt. Nope. Just e-mails.

                In short, I'm over it. I'm wiling to understand tough schedules (I have a very, very, very tough one, between school, research, and working 30 hours a week), and unforseen circumstances (life is life, you know?) but it has become abundantly clear to me now that Lawyer isn't as invested as I am, that I'm always on the back burner  after something else ( ¨I have dinner with a friend, but coffee or dessert after?¨ ¨I have a birthday party Saturday night. I can see you after or on Sunday morning.¨ ).

                 It reminds me of what he said to me when I confronted him about the other girls and he said he'd see just me:

                 ¨Tu me plais vraiment, mais je ne sais pas ce que ça va donner dans six mois.¨

                 To get all language analytical here again, ¨tu me plais¨ is loaded for me. Roughly translated the construction ¨tu me plais¨means ¨I like you¨ or ¨I find you attractive¨. If I said ¨je plais à (someone)¨ I'm saying that I'm attractive to someone. Sigh. The way he said all this made it sound like he was capitulating, like he was sacrificing other things to see me.

                  Well you know what bucko? I plais à beaucoup de men. Just because you find me attractive doesn't mean that you get to do this to me. I don't want to just plaire to people, I want someone to appreciate me for my mind and my personality, someone who wants to know me and take the time to get to know me. You clearly do not, Monsieur.

                 I probably sound like a high maintenance beezy right now, which I'm not. But I don't want to continue this anymore. I'm over it.

                 Ladies, never settle for someone who doesn't want to make time to see you but says they do. Who doesn't take the time to get a hold of you after a couple of days. Who doesn't get back to you at all about things you've attempted to schedule. Who just wants to play you like all the others.

                 Thank Thanksgiving I am going to Provence this afternoon and FWB has dinner with his friend, Y who is a native of Avignon who recently married M, a canadienne from Vancouver, planned for us this evening.